It is 7:28AM. I am sitting here trying to figure out where to begin my work day. It’s not that I don’t have any work to do. Far from it. I just don’t feel motivated to do it. I’m not seeing the point of it at the moment. I know, of course, that the point is to continue to strive because I guarantee I won’t be making money if I just sit around and do nothing, whereas, as long as I keep working, the possibility that I might make money continues to exist. The possibility that I might make money - I suppose that is what I’m having a problem with, working for a possibility of making money as opposed to actually working for money.

I know I have the power to change my circumstances by going out and putting myself on medication for my social anxiety so I can function normally and be able to get a "real" job; but again, I have no real interest in working for someone else. I have been working for myself for nearly a decade and I have an ambition to succeed working for myself. That is my goal, to achieve success, to have my hard work pay off; so quitting on myself in defeat and going off to help someone else achieve their goal of success by lending my time and energy to their cause would be my idea of failure. But in the mean time it can be excruciatingly difficult to deal with the reality that nothing is coming out of anything I do.

Yes, I’ve made money enough that I haven’t gone homeless yet and I always have food to eat and my utilities have never stayed off very long after a disconnection; but having to get anything disconnected to begin says much more than the fact that I’ve been able to get them turned back on within a day or two.

Yes, it is my own choice to live life on the edge. At the end of the day, social anxiety or not, I have other options, but I chose to continue fight what some might call a losing battle. So I really don’t have a right to complain. If money is my objective and I’m not making money doing what I’m doing, I ought to do something else; but therein could lie the problem. I want money, yes, but it could be that what I really want is to succeed and money is obviously the measure of success, so I want money to make money to prove that I am successful at what I do.

But what do I do anyway? And could that be the problem? Could I be investing time and energy into something that really has no hope of making the kind of money that would enable me to call myself a success? I’ve gone through a number of different business ventures. I was most successful, in terms of making money, when I was developing and selling dating software; but the stress from that got the better of me. I got out of it and tried my hand at running websites instead. I didn’t make the kind of money I was making at the height of my success selling my dating software (I wasn’t making major bucks then either), but I was still able to manage to pay the bills for the most part; then I sold my dating websites. Now I am left with a bunch of websites that only have "potential to make money", and with a spouse who can only contribute between $600 and $800 per month to help pay the bills and with that relationship being so uncertain and always on the verge of termination, I’d say I’m facing a bit of a crisis. And getting more and more depressed about it, losing my motivation to continue to fight, that’s certainly not going to be helping.

Oh, and by the way I made $2.56 yesterday. Moving on up (sarcasm)….